A New Normal

2020, eh? Fucking hell.

I trust that none of you have been in the German Big Brother house, or Jared Leto’s silent meditation retreat, and so you’re likely aware of a slight disruption to normal proceedings called COVID-19.

A couple of months ago, I had a handover (by phone) with one of my colleagues in Wuhan; at the time, her city was the sole epicentre of the new coronavirus. I asked her how things were going. She explained that the situation was strange and pretty scary. As she provided a glimpse of her new normal, I couldn’t imagine anything like that happening in the UK. Not a lockdown, not shortages, not a crisis on that scale.

But here we are.

The past couple of weeks have been surreal; often nightmarish. The illness itself has devastating consequences; adjacent to that is the behaviour brought to the surface by our current crisis. People fighting over loo rolls. Fucking loo rolls. Elderly folks unable to buy their essentials because some selfish pricks have cleared out the eggs and bread and veggies; most of which will probably be thrown away. It’s the situation of our seniors and vulnerable people that’s most heartbreaking. Although collective pressure has forced shops to introduce special opening hours, and the goodness of individuals provides a lifeline to neighbours, friends, and strangers, it’s inevitable that there are Nans and Grandads out there right now without basic supplies. That’s a devastating thought.

I’m always in awe of the great people of the NHS. The doctors, nurses, paramedics, and support staff of our finest institution are miracle workers every day, and in this tiny era of our history they’re nothing short of superheroes. But we’re not doing right by the people who heal us. Front-line staff still don’t have the right protective equipment, and vague promises from the government aren’t changing things quickly enough. And when they finish their shifts, the shelves are bare. Special NHS hours at supermarkets are a great move, but there needs to be something more substantial put in place to provide essential supplies; not only for the physical health of our superheroes, but their mental wellbeing, too.

While we’re on the subject of shopping, big love to all the retail workers dealing with the worst of human behaviour in the past couple of weeks. Long hours, rude bastards, and the possibility of falling ill is an awful lot to deal with. I hope that the inevitable boom in profits - at supermarkets in particular - translates into bonuses, wage increases, and better conditions for our key retail workers. And in the meantime, let’s push for continued kindness, patience, and gratitude shown by good people.

This crisis is, unfortunately, not yet at its peak. It’s hard on the brain. The sudden, dramatic changes to everyday life can be profoundly destabilising. I’ve had a few panicked wobbles – usually in the middle of the night, cheers brain – but as things have developed so rapidly, I don’t think it’s fully hit me yet. I suspect it’s the same for many of you. I guess the best approach is to simply do your best when you can; there’s no need to pile additional pressure on yourself.

I wish you, the reader, good health and a peaceful brain during this challenging time. Please take care of yourself and your loved ones. Oh, and stay home! Get involved in Disney+, it’s outrageously good.

See you soon!

My Glorious Return to Clinical Research

Remember that time I handed in my notice and became a writer, for the bants? Turning 30 was a fucking trip, lads. Now, prepare to be shook. I’ve returned to work in clinical research. OH Y’ALL WANTED A TWIST?

Laganja Death Drop GIF from Laganja GIFs

Come on GCP, let’s get S I C K E N I N G*.

*Fully compliant.

It’s true. I’ve started up again as a CTA, which might seem a bit strange (more on that later), but I want you to know that I’m really happy to return to a role and industry that feels like home.

You probably have some questions. Using advanced analytics (guessing) I’ve put together a FAQ section, because I’m that extra.


You’ve given up on writing?

Absolutely not. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the past two years, and even if time travel became commercially viable, I wouldn’t change my decision to pursue writing.

The thing is, being a full-time professional writer doesn’t leave a lot of scope for extracurricular wordplay. After a full day of putting sentences together, I’d rather just point at things and make indistinguishable sounds.

I miss blogging. I wish I had time to actually finish the novel I’ve had in my brain for years. I hope that the separation of work and writing will help me to find that spark again.


What’s the career plan?

To be satisfied with the work that I do. No complication, no pressure. Oh, and a healthy shoe fund.


Isn’t it a step down from what you used to do?

In terms of usual career progression, yes. The majority of people in clinical research wouldn’t move from monitoring to a CTA role. That’s completely understandable, if your goal is to keep progressing.

I was a monitor for four years. I had a good go at it, and ultimately it wasn’t for me. I was much happier in a CTA role, because it was interesting, fun, and relatively straightforward.

As a CTA (or ROA, in PXL parlance), I had a clear distinction between work and life. I went into the office, did my job, engaged in quality banter, and at the end of each day, I had optimal time to do life things.

When I became a monitor, those lines steadily and persistently blurred. It’s the nature of the job, and to make accommodating sacrifices, you must either really enjoy monitoring, or view it as a temporary measure on the way to a clinical lead, project management, or line management role.

For me, neither applied. I liked aspects of the job, and I couldn’t have asked for better people to work with. But ultimately, it wasn’t right for me.

And that’s OK! Not everyone will have the tenacity and stamina for monitoring, nor the desire to take on further responsibility in a senior role. I enjoy being a CTA, and I’m actually pretty good at it. I bladdy love site files, and don’t even get me started on the delightful intricacy of TMF naming conventions. Exquisite.


Didn’t you enjoy the flexibility of freelancing?

Totally. I liked being my own boss, and choosing my working hours, but there are downsides.

Firstly, I took a huge drop in pay. Money isn’t everything, but it’s much easier to espouse that sentiment when you have plenty of dollah. I learned a lot about budgeting and self-restraint over the past two years. However, I’m also conscious of long-term financial independence. I can’t buy my own place on a writer’s salary. I can’t treat my friends and family as much as I want to. I also have my eyes on about 5 pairs of shoes. My new job won’t have me rolling in millions (yet), but I’ll be able to put money away for my future while enjoying the present.

Which is a nice segue to the next point. Pensions! Paid leave! Bank holidays! If you want them, it’s on you to factor them in. I’ve been reluctant to take time off because the prospect of losing a chunk of revenue is a big yikes. Which isn’t a healthy attitude. And as my parents have recently retired, I’ve become fixated on pensions. Employer contributions? Stunning.

Finally, security. Specifically, Etta James – Security.mp3. Wait, I mean job security. I was fortunate to have a brilliant client who gave me lots of work, as well as some other regular gigs. But there’s a clause in every freelancer contract that effectively says a client is not obliged to give you work. And that lean month can arrive when you least expect it. Good planning and saving helps, but it’s also pretty scary – and I say this as someone with scant responsibilities. Although some of my fashion choices might suggest otherwise, I’m a pretty risk-averse queen.

In short; yes and no. Long story long.


Are You Going to Change Your Mind Again?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

OK, honestly? I don’t think I’ll change my mind. I’ve experienced both careers and there’s so much I’ve enjoyed about each one. But I view them as extremes; on one hand, the chaos of monitoring, and on the other, the thrilling uncertainty of being a writer.

You know what’s fierce? The middle ground. A role that’s challenging and interesting, without causing anxiety. A job that I can do really well, and leave alone at the end of each working day. An opportunity to find balance and write when I want to. Moderates, amirite?


Three months into my new job, I can honestly say that I'm happy with my choice. Everyone is so nice, patient, and helpful, and although I'm still learning new systems and processes, I feel confident in my ability to do the job well. And that sense of self-achievement radiates into the rest of my life, which is a real blessing.

Six Months Meat-Free!

Tomorrow will mark six months since I stopped eating meat. If you’ve deftly swerved the dubious pleasure of hearing me waffle on about it, here’s the (excruciatingly mild) T, mawma: I’ve followed a pescatarian diet since September 1st last year. Prior to that, I had gradually reduced my meat consumption over a few years.

I haven’t found it difficult at all. I thought I would crave a few specific things, but there hasn’t been a single meat product I’ve missed. Not even bacon.

Some of my favourite meat alternatives include:


Richmond Meat-Free Sausages
No shit, these sausages taste like the real thing. I was shook the first time I had them, and quite honestly, I remain shooketh. Richmonds are my Mum’s favourite, and they’re so good that she’s permanently switched to the meat-free version.


Linda McCartney Vegetarian Shredded Hoisin Duck
The whole Linda McCartney range is miraculous, and this is a real treat. The texture is on point, and the flavour of Chinese-inspired spices makes it really authentic. You can also buy a meal kit that contains thin pancakes.


Vegetarian Butcher Chickened Out Burger
They’re a little pricy, but absolutely delicious. These burgers have a savoury chicken flavour, without the rank poultry aftertaste. Yummy in a bun, or with rice and veggies for a filling dinner.


Vivera Steak
My beloved. Similar to the faux chicken burger above, these steaks have a complex, savoury flavour that approximates real meat, but not specifically steak. It sounds strange, but they’re really good. If you miss the visual of a rare steak (I always had mine very well done, so that ain’t me, fam), Vivera use beetroot juice to create the illusion of real blood. I cook mine a bit longer to avoid that!


Fry’s Chicken-Style Strips
I’m a big fan of Fry’s; they make lots of brilliant meat alternatives. The chicken strips are really tasty on their own, and work well with every sauce, seasoning, and application I’ve tried so far. The only slight downside is that they’re a little high in fat, so I use them sparingly.


Oumph! Kebab Spiced
Quite expensive, but SO GOOD. If you’re planning a veggie fakeaway, get involved in this masterpiece. The kebab pieces have a fantastic texture, a lovely kick of heat, and they take literally minutes to prepare, straight from the freezer.


Sainsbury's Pigs in Blankets + Stuffing Pack
I was a bit glum at the prospect of no pigs in blankets on my Christmas plate. But Sainsbury's came through in their festive catering catalogue, with a pack of vegan pigs in blankets and sausage meat-style stuffing balls. I thought they were fabulous, and the meat-eating taste testers agreed. Plus, it was great to still be included in these essential components of Christmas dinner.


One of the best things about this change has been the support of family and friends. Some of them are vegans, vegetarians, or pescatarians already, and they’ve offered lots of helpful advice, as well as recommendations and recipes!

My meat-eating homies have also been lovely. I didn’t want to make this change inconvenient for other people – especially at events like Christmas – but everyone’s taken it in their stride, accommodating my dietary tomfoolery with kindness and encouragement.

A few folks have asked whether this is a long-term choice, a step on the path to a fully-vegetarian or vegan diet, or a temporary move away from meat. I hasten to add that these questions are always asked with respect and sincerity.

To be honest, I’m happy where I am for now. I’m about 95% sure I’ll never eat meat or poultry again. I eat a relatively modest amount of fish and seafood, and it seems to be a healthy balance for the time being. It’s never say never for going vegetarian, while a fully-vegan diet is probably less likely. Then again, I didn’t anticipate giving up meat until last year, so don’t believe anything I say!

Until Then, We’ll Have to Muddle Through Somehow

I love Christmas. Everything about it. Glitter! Lights! Music! Celebrations! Novelty knitwear! Bank holiday cinematic stalwarts! Rampant consumerism! All of it.

This year is different. I want to be excited about Christmas, but I’m apprehensive. It’s always hard to be upbeat after bereavement, or indeed any difficult phase of life. Christmas is simultaneously the happiest and saddest time of the year.

I was today years old when I found out there are two distinct versions of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. I previously thought lyric variations were just C r E a T i V i T y. As it turns out, there’s a sad version (the original) and the later, in-the-present-happiness version.

The original – sung by Judy Garland in Meet Me in St Louis – is sombre, yet hopeful. It recognises that this year isn’t easy, but looks to the future with a belief that life will be better, and good times will reign again. There’s a beautiful, pared-down rendition by Jon Batiste and Danielle Brooks on Spotify that fits perfectly with the sentiment of the lyrics.



These are the original lyrics:

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be
Out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yule-tide gay
Next year all our troubles will be
Miles away

Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Will be near to us once more 

Someday soon, we all will be together
If the fates allow
Until then, well have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

This is exactly how I look at Christmas this year. We’ll still have presents under the tree and animated chatter around the table. But there are two people missing, and the whole thing might not be as effortless as in previous years. Still, we’ll persevere, do our best, and look forward to the lightness and joy of future Christmases.

After a long year of hookin’…

Today marks a whole year since I took up crochet. I tried to learn a few times previously, but my initial enthusiasm waned immediately in response to the usual novice hooker annoyances; wonky chains, dropped stitches, extra-tight tension, and first sample pieces that resembled a small trapezium army. Mum always tried to help, but my all-or-nothing attitude jumped right out, causing an incredible sulk and a vow never to try crochet again. Which is very positive behaviour for a grown adult.

Anyway, this time last year I decided to give it another go. One of my best friends was about to have her first baby, and the lovely blankets and clothes my Mum made inspired me to try again. I borrowed one of her 4mm hooks and some spare DK and cued up a few YouTube videos. I wanted to do it that way, because if I ended up having a strop (and ofc I did), it would only be directed at a screen. Mum gave me a hand when I needed it, and gradually it all began to click. I made my first granny square within a couple of days, and haven’t looked back since.

I love crochet. It's been one of the greatest – and most surprising – joys of my life. That might sound a bit OTT, but it’s absolutely true. It’s a source of achievement, comfort, and relaxation; a creative outlet that’s taught me an actual skill. I really appreciate handmade things, and it’s been lovely to give special presents to my friends and family that I’ve crafted from start to finish.

There’s also a wonderful and vibrant online crochet community, particularly on Instagram, Reddit, YouTube, and Ravelry. People are always supportive, and they’re willing to hype every kind of project, whether you’re a beginner, expert, or somewhere in between. Alongside my irl homies who hook, it’s just a lovely collective of crochet queens.

Speaking of hooking heroes, my most beloved crochet YouTubers are:

Jayda In Stitches – My absolute favourite! Jayda is a quirky Canadian with a gentle demeanour and lovely teaching style. She goes through everything slowly and clearly, which has been instrumental in my learning process. Jayda’s tutorials helped me to unlock granny squares, C2C, the bean stitch, and cinch circles, and she’s currently teaching me to make Christmas decorations! I always go to Jayda’s channel first when I want to learn something new, and I can’t recommend her highly enough.

Blossom Crochet – A very sweet lady who loves her sparkly rainbow wool! Her tutorials are well-paced and easy to understand. And if you need a left-handed tutorial, she films alternate versions of pretty much everything.

Bella Coco – I reckon most folks have heard already heard of Bella Coco, with good reason – she has a tutorial for everything on her YouTube channel. She taught me how to master the waffle stitch, which I love for scarves, wraps, and small blankets. I’m also learning Tunisian crochet with her!

Persia Lou/Alexis Middleton – The first crochet tutorial I ever watched – before I even braved the hook again – was her simple chunky beanie. I’ve now made it a few times, and it’s still one of my favourites. Her blog is also a handy resource.

Crochet Crowd – Mikey is a charming, talented crochet king. His tutorials are easy to follow and you’ll find just about anything crochet-related on his channel.

Fiber Flux – Jennifer's channel is beautifully organised (check out her playlists) and she has a lovely range of beginner projects, as well as more technical pieces, unique items, and product reviews.

If you've been thinking about learning to crochet, go for it! This is an especially good time of year to get started; there's nothing like wrapping up warm in a scarf, hat, or blanket you've made from scratch.

Here's to many more years of happy hooking!

Thank you for waiting.

Did you know that on New Year’s Eve 1994, the good people of Kiribati moved their clocks forward by 15 hours, creating a brand new time zone? The International Date Line was redrawn in the South Pacific, swerving around the tiny nation’s islands. Finally, everyone in Kiribati worked to the same time.

Just like Kiribati, a special time zone exists around me. It’s called Jenah Standard Time (JST), and its divergence from the meridian is quite unpredictable.

JST’s flexibility is part of its spurious charm. Sometimes it’s 15 minutes early, often it’s at least 10 minutes late, and very rarely, it’s in harmony with the rest of the world.

JST is a pain. I know it is. Some of you have been waiting for a lot longer than 10 minutes. Even this blog has waited for two-and-a-half years!

But you have waited, with patience, compassion, and unyielding kindness. You know and I know that I’m not myself right now. I haven’t been for a while. And while I take tiny steps to get back in sync with the loud, opinionated, hilarious, very cool, extremely fashionable, and faultlessly modest person I am at my best, I know that you’ll still wait for me. What I don’t know is why or how I am so blessed to have you.

So, this is a massive thank you. For accepting every version of me.

So, how have you been?

Oh hi there!

For someone who self-identifies as a writer, I've not been very good at tapping the keys in the direction of this here blog. My apologies. It's been something of a whirlwind since last we spoke. I left my previous job, which was a yuge deal. My friends gave me the most wonderful send-off, and it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge them here. So, thank you Casswinder, Sarwah, Dixsitta, C-Ry, my Obs homies, and everyone who dropped in or sent lovely messages. It was a beautiful day that warmed my heart more than I can adequately express. It's been less than two months, but it feels like a lifetime ago since I left; and whilst I certainly miss the people, I don't miss the job. It was the right decision in March, and remains the same now.

I've also been on holiday, ain't I? The fam took a trip to Florida, which was beaut as always. Classic Calamity Jen occurred though, obviously; there was a heatwave (in an already sweltering destination, I know), in which temperatures sailed far beyond the mid-30s (plus humidity), and your jolly pale narrator developed heatstroke. Outstanding effort. I was fine for the first week, then became a bit over-confident and sat out for too long on a blisteringly hot afternoon. When I eventually decided to go inside for a reprieve, there was a lady being treated for heatstroke en route (she was OK though!), and I thought wow good decision Jenwah, you have been saved from the fate of Icarus. Unfortunately, the following morning it hit me. I've been to Florida nine times; almost every time I've been sunburnt, had a couple of dodgy tums, but I've never had heatstroke. And I've been in July. So I think there is some truth to the idea that after your first proper heatstroke, you're a bit more susceptible to it. Thanks for that, Frisco. Actually, it was my own fault. Sitting on an open-top bus for a couple of hours in (another) unexpected heatwave wasn't the best choice. Learn from my mistake, lads. Respect the sun and stay hydrated innit. And forgive me if I don't fancy events that involve heat and/or sun; I'm not being a brat, I'm just a bit tired of feeling faint for a couple of weeks afterwards. Icy bants? I am THERE. Anyway, aside from the heatstroke, I had a lovely time! I was apprehensive about visiting Trump's America, but I didn't notice much of a change. Saw a couple of Trump/Pence signs, that was about it. I had a brilliant conversation with a skycap just before we flew home; he assured me that there were less than four years to go, and everything would be put right. I hope for his sake that his prediction comes true.

As well as all of that excitement, I turned THIRTY at the end of May. When I turned twenty, I was thoroughly disgruntled with the apparent loss of my youth. At this milestone, I feel completely different. It has restored my hope, given me new focus, and re-affirmed the faith I have in myself to implement the changes that I want in my life. I'm also trialling the command to 'respect your elders', to limited success. I will persevere. I had a fabulous celebration with my close family and best friends on the day, and I've been thoroughly spoiled with presents and bougie dinners ever since. I am very grateful for all of the time and effort that has been showered upon me.

Since leaving my previous job, I have found my way into freelance writing. It was almost by chance; I'd joined a freelance platform and secured my first job, a small data entry task. The person who hired me checked my profile and found that I am a writer, then offered me a regular writing gig. In the words of Terry Tibbs, I couldn't fackin' believe it. I'm just starting out, so I have to be realistic about my hourly rate, but I'm being paid to build a portfolio, which is a hard thing to come by, so I am bare haps. The people I work with are also really kind and give great feedback; for example, on Friday I was told I am a 'copy wizard', which was a lovely boost, and got me thinking about whether I can deduct a wizard costume as a business expense. I'll keep you posted.

Aside from all of that, I am trying to get to grips with the healthy vibes. My mind is starting to feel rested, and sincere happiness on a regular basis is beginning to creep in. I haven't done a great deal of exercise since I came back from Florida, and if I'm completely honest, I've been a bit apprehensive about overheating and taking steps backward in terms of heat tolerance. But I have to try to get past it. One thing at a time. Right now, I'm re-focusing on getting my eating right. During the weekdays, I'm doing much better. It's in the evening, whilst I'm waiting for my parents to come home so I can serve dinner, that Mr Snack and the Snackettes start calling out to me with their siren song. I'm finding the Instagram account to be helpful in terms of accountability, however, and I'll be uploading my second vlog this week. The first one can be found here.

So, that's me! Very nice to be back. Jah bless!

Peace x