14 for 14

Aloha Inwestigators!

It's been a while since last we met. How have you been? You smell nice. Here's a brief summary of my antics since the end of November, in no semblance of chronological order:

- Office Christmas party! There was an abundance of the following: wine, vodka (pre-party), singing, table-based horn action, dancing, after-party snacks, and use of the word 'jizzmas'. A complete success.

- Actual Christmas! It was excellent! Days Christmas and Boxing were spent with my family, and many profiteroles made the ultimate sacrifice. We also had a selfie stick:



LOLJAMES.

- Christmas holidays! I have mightily enjoyed the break from work. Actually, I've enjoyed the break from my job, but I've missed THIS LOT:



- Writing! I'm currently drafting the plot of a YA novel, based on a short story I wrote last month. I was lucky enough to win a competition and have my work published on the lovely Literative blog (link here). I received awesome feedback from my friends (I may or may not have cried; YOU GUYS!), and I thoroughly enjoyed throwing myself into the post-apocalyptic world I'd created, so I'm delving back in to expand the story and flesh it out with words and shit (disclaimer: 0% faeces). I'm also in the initial stages of piecing together a story with the working title Zion. I'm really excited about developing these ideas; from research to editing and everything in between. A creative outlet is so good for me, and as obvious as it sounds, committing these ideas to paper and screen makes me feel like an actual writer. It is a most excellent feeling.

- Holidays (non-Christmas)! Shit the fucking bed, we're off to San Fran and bladdy Vegas soon! DEM FLIGHTZ. Yeah, so 12 hours in the air is not a prospect I relish, but I'm going to request some stronger medication to ensure I enjoy the experience (and by that I mean sleep through the whole fucking thing). I can't wait to immerse myself in California; it's been at the top of places I'd like to visit for a very long time. I've never really had an overwhelming desire to go to Vegas, but I've heard excellent things about it. We're staying at the Bellagio, with a fountain-facing room, so I'll make sure to bring every piece of elaborate rapper jewellery I own, because BIG PIMPIN'.

- New year! So it's January tomorrow; as such, I will be posting a review of the year / resolution EXTRAVAGANZA (disclaimer: may contain 0% extravagance / 100% faeces). 2014 has been a difficult year on balance, and I'm not sad to leave it behind. I am, however, eternally hopeful for the future, and I will saunter into 2015 with renewed enthusiasm that happiness will find me again.

Such update. Many news. Wow.

Moving on to the porpoise of this post; 14 for 14. Long-term Inwestigators may remember a review of the year in music I posted last December (imaginatively titled 13 for 13; I'm nothing without originality), and to mark the conclusion of another trip around the sun, I present to you the bestest fourteen songs of the year. Enjoy!

14. Lazaretto // Jack White



Pretty standard Jack White, which means it's fucking excellent. Velvety rock meets unfathomable lyrics. Don't bother trying to understand it without several boxes of Qaalude. Actually don't try to understand it at all, just enjoy the melody and Jack White singing words.

13. Birthday // Katy Perry



I like Katy Perry. She's talented, consistent, can bash out a dope tune, has had some fierce hair colours, but she's not quite as batshit as Minaj, which is actually quite nice. What I love about Birthday is that it's unabashed bubblegum pop, and it's executed really well. Great song for a dance about the floor or the bedroom, whatever. Live your dreams.

12. Sex // Lenny Kravitz



OHAI LENNY KRAVITZ. Where the fuck have you been? Answer: making excellent music, bitch. Sex is from lovely Lenny's album Strut, which is perf because it's an excellent strutting song. I'm certain that wasn't the primary application in mind, but there we go!

11. Uptight Downtown // La Roux



The return of my beloved La Roux, and their funky funky beats! The new album, Trouble In Paradise, was a long time in the making, but it's a beautifully crafted piece of art. The first single, Uptight Downtown, is a glorious throwback to the intersection of funk and disco of the late seventies, with bonus eighties androgyny. The last 20-30 seconds in particular are ridiculous; there's a breakdown to the outro which will have you frantically scrolling back for seconds.

10. Belong To The City // PARTYNEXTDOOR



Shoutout to Lee for introducing me to PARTYNEXTDOOR and his swirly R&B jams. Belong To The City and Sex On The Beach are my favourite songs from the album Two, but the former just edges it. Music for chilling and thinking; awesome.

9. Conrad // Ben Howard



Ben Howard; thing of beauty, creator of beauty. BEAUTY. This has been my ultimate writing tune during the latter part of the year; it helps my mind wander to faraway beaches and mountain tops. It's hella atmospheric, y'all. Just a lovely little song to escape into.

8. Wicked Games // Parra for Cuva



Oh me oh my, what a gorgeous little tune this is. Chris Isaak's Wicked Game, one of my favourite songs of all time, gets a chilled house (think Majestic Casual) remix, retaining the sombre, emotional vibe of the original. Wonderful.

7. Anaconda // Nicki Minaj



Last year I selected Blurred Lines for inclusion in the 13 for 13 list, which fulfilled the controversy quotient, being both sexist and disrespectful to the work of Marvin Gaye. At the time, I attempted to explain the existential crisis prompted by the disconnect between my ethics and my love of a damn fly beat. I find myself in a similar situation this year, with sincere thanks to Ms Minaj and her Sir Mix-A-Lot-sampling effort, Anaconda. Let's perform a scientific analysis / simple list of pros and cons. Beginning with the cons; the 'skinny bitches in the club' section is hardly body-positive, there's a considerable amount of purring, screeching, maniacal laughter, and misc vocalisations in the place of actual lyrics, an unsuccessful attempt has been made by Ms Minaj to rhyme palace with stylish, and the video is fucking terrible. Pros: almost everything else. When utilised as a (pole) dancing song, it's on point. For example, this was played at my work Christmas party, and the floor went cray. Such festive. Also, speaking as a lady Ms Minaj might identify as one of her "bitches with a fat ass in the fucking club", I appreciate the shout-out. I really do. I also acknowledge that in her own way, Ms Minaj is attempting to demonstrate body positivity to, and solidarity with, women of size. Fat ass big bitches in the club applaud you, Ms Minaj. When the pineapple ceases to revolve, will Anaconda emerge as a feminist anthem? Only time will tell.

6. Love Never Felt So Good // Michael Jackson feat. Justin Timberlake



Posthumous releases are always tricky. For me, there's often a nagging doubt over whether the end result is anywhere near what the artist wanted, for example every Tupac song that's dropped since he passed. However, the producers have done a stirling job with Love Never Felt So Good; a song which perfectly captures the vibe of Off The Wall-era MJ. The vocals are on point, and JT makes a very worthy contribution. I don't think this song received the attention and praise it deserved, but in time I hope it's appreciated along with MJ's greatest hits.

5. Luna // Bombay Bicycle Club



The acronym BBC can apply to many a great thing. The British Broadcasting Corporation, Bournemouth Borough Council, big bla... Anyway. Today I'm here to talk about the eternally wonderful Bombay Bicycle Club. Their music gives me all the happy feels, and every song is exquisitely intricate. Luna was one of the first songs I heard in 2014, and I was confident from the first play that it would be included in 14 for 14.

4. Heart and Soul // Twin Atlantic



The first time I heard this song, my immediate reaction was THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOD. I stand by that initial appraisal. It's raw and energetic and yeah, I just adore it. Also, a million points for singing in regional accents. The acoustic version is also excellent.

3. Budapest // George Ezra



Oh, lovely George Ezra. Lovely George Ezra with your house in Budapest, hidden treasure chest, golden grand piano, et al. Budapest is beautiful song, in both craft and sentiment. It's incredibly profound, heartfelt, and soulful; the product of genuine talent. Hearing Ezra roar "give me one good reason why I should never make a change", even after thousands of plays, still gives me goosebumps. I could sit here all day and tell you how wonderful this song is, but you probably already know. If not, treat yourself to three minutes of gorgeousness (including the musician - Budapest-y bonus):

2. Uptown Funk // Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars



JULIO! GET THE STRETCH! Oh no you didn't, Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars! I can't express in words how much I adore this song. It's silly and camp and ridiculous and probably a bit offensive, but it's so fucking good. It makes me want to dance; not just dance, but perform in a music video, wearing a sequinned and rhinestone-encrusted suit with an equally bejewelled trilby and holographic platforms, with dodgy eighties graphics to accentuate my shape-throwing. Specifically, the rainbow-shadow hype from Blame It On The Boogie. HOT DAMN.

1. Shake It Off // Taylor Swift



Prior to Shake It Off, I never would have imagined myself to be a TayTay fan. I found her, with the utmost respect, to be profoundly annoying. However, my opinion changed for two reasons. Firstly, she is articulate, witty, and hilarious in interviews (and she's made some impressive comments about feminism). Secondly, 1989 is a genuinely fantastic album. I enjoyed Shake It Off so much that when TayTay decided to remove her music from Spotify, I actually bought the album. From iTunes. With CA$H. I have absolutely no ragrets.



Back to Shake It Off; what I appreciate more than anything is that she's answering her critics, but with a lighthearted, non-bitchy approach. The video is a glorious exercise in self-deprication (TayTay acknowledges and highlights her lack of rhythm/dancing skills), and it's executed beautifully. The closing portion, featuring people of all shapes and sizes just shaking it the fuck off, is ace. Air five, TayTay!
Perhaps I'm assigning excessive profundity to a pop song, but Shake It Off has also been a source of great encouragement during my recent anxious spells. Self-reflection is fine, but sometimes it's more valuable (and funnerer) to throw some questionable shapes (to this. sick. beat.) and get out of my head for a few minutes. Plus I've danced to this with some pretty jahmazing people, so it's intertwined with lovely memories.

SPECIAL MENTION
Sam Smith // In The Lonely Hour
Last year, I selected Sam Smith's Nirvana for the 13 for 13 list, and it remains one of my favourite songs. DAT OUTRO. His first full album, In The Lonely Hour, is amazing, jahmazing, superjahmazing, and every relevant synonym. There is not a single filler track; each song is as beautifully written and performed as the next. Smith's voice conveys so much raw emotion that he should rightly be placed alongside the great soul singers. Listen to Leave Your Lover and embrace the feels; his words and voice are just about perfect. I can't wait to hear more in 2015!



SPECIAL MENTION II
The Rua // Essence
This year's second special mention goes to the very talented Brown siblings for their excellent debut album, Essence. I'm slightly biased because my friend Alanna (Sue) is in the group, but they really are a great little group; think Fleetwood Mac meets The Corrs meets NWA. OK, maybe not NWA (yet; I'm not sure which direction their music will take for the second album). The full album can be found on Spotify (link), and their first single, Fight For What's Right, is herrrrr:



That's it! Go in peace, to love and shake it off.

13 for 13: music

Hello readership! I've finally got around to producing the end-of-year music review I've been trying to write since the idea of '10 for 10' popped into my head three years ago. I wanted to give Barbra Streisand the glory it rightly deserved, but instead I was distracted by sales and Bank Holiday television and probably shoes. FOR LIKE THREE WHOLE YEARS. Anyway, this year I've done it! 13 tracks that have been memorable in 2013. Enjoy!

13. Pusher Love Girl - Justin Timberlake
Acting somewhat as a thematic successor to Ke$ha's Your Love Is My Drug (which contains one of the finest lyrics ever to feature in popular music; "I like your beard"), JT waxed lyrical about the intoxicating effect of love. Pusher Love Girl is split in two parts; the first is all polished R&B, swirly strings, and gorgeous vocals. The second half is a bit grittier; not quite as challenging as Ten Crack Commandments, but perhaps at the level of drug-related realness reached by EastEnders when Phil was on crack. Aww, remember CrackPhil? He was a good laugh! Anyway, the second part is basically a list of various narcotics interspersed with "I'm just a juh-juh-juh-juh-junkie for your love.". Ironically I did become quite hooked on this song! And meth...

12. Get Lucky - Daft Punk
I won't front, I was initially underwhelmed. I didn't get the collective jizz over this jazz. However, it grew on me, and once the 'OMG THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER RECORDED' hysteria died down, there was adequate breathing space to appreciate Get Lucky for what it is; beautifully crafted, nostalgic, and fun.

11. White Noise - Disclosure
In the context of spring anthems, this was the Robin to Need U (100%)'s Batman (see no.7). Quite the formidable team. I actually heard both on the same day, while having a gander at the Majestic Casual YouTube playlist. It was a fucking insanely good day for music. The opening bars of White Noise transport me directly to Clearwater Beach in May, when my only concerns in life were deciding where to go for dinner and maybe applying a bit more sun cream. A banging tune forever linked with brilliant memories.

10. Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke feat. T.I. and Pharrell
I know what some of you may be thinking; feminism and Blurred Lines don't mix, you massive hypocrite. However, unless the Cronbach's alpha value of your whole life is >0.9, let's not get on a consistency hype, yeah?* Anyway, chronic and unforgivable hypocrisy aside, this has been my dancing jam since the summer. It's a rehash of Marvin Gaye's Got To Give It Up (one of my all-time favourites) for sure, and let's be real; Pharrell contributes nothing aside from 'hey hey hey' and 'errbody get up', but it's probably OK because Get Lucky also happened. You're doing alright, Williams. I'm not sure what the purpose of T.I. is either, other than a slightly awkward interlude where nobody knows the lyrics and we're just strutting about on the dance floor waiting for another "good giiirrrlll' bit (212 would be a worthy transplant into his section - someone make that happen!). Yes, I've struggled to come to terms with the message in this song. However, if I've managed to reach a stage where I'm at peace with other people enjoying the work of Pitbull, the universe can forgive me for throwing shapes to this.

9. When I Was Your Man - Bruno Mars
Pass me the mofo-ing tissues, comrade. This gorgeous little tune is perfect for the aftermath of bad decisions; the sort of decisions that bring about a desire to kick oneself in the face. The release of this song coincided with a bit of a face-kicky interlude in my life, and I spent many a tearful ride in Coops singing (murdering) it. This song also calmed me down while I was driving over the fucking Sunshine Skyway bridge in Florida earlier in the year (thanks, Bruno!). The lyrics are lovely, the tune is beautiful, and there's sincere emotion in every line. 

8. Don't Save Me / The Wire - Haim
Oh, Haim. Wonderful Haim. Sometimes I really wish I was a Haim, or at least that I had two sisters with whom I could make a band called West, and we'd have lovely long hair and impeccable dress sense. Alas, that is but a pipe dream. However, we do have the real Haim, and I love them. Don't Save Me snuck in at the tail end of 2012 (so I'm counting it in 2013; what you gon' do?), and carried me through a brilliant winter in which I really hit my stride recovery-wise. The Wire was a continuation of that; on tricky days I blasted it out of Coops and briefly became a Haim to join in with 'I just know I know I know I know that you're gonna be OK anyway'. Power music!

7. Need U (100%) - Duke Dumont feat. A*M*E
The first time I heard this became number one of about a hundred plays that day. It's infectiously catchy, like rabies or something. Is rabies catchy? So like, this would be the rabid dog of 90s-inspired throwback house tunes, and I will play the unwitting tourist in unfamiliar lands, metaphorically foaming at the mouth as the glorious music engulfs my major organs. Yeah. Meanwhile, back in the real world, this was my spring anthem, and brings back wonderful memories of getting on a hype about my then upcoming trip to Florida. Lovely.

6. Diane Young - Vampire Weekend
YES EZRA! YEZRA! The return of one of my favourite bands was a glorious affair indeed. Diane Young is fast and silly and a witty and wonderful and contains the lyric "Irish and proud, baby, naturally. But you've got the luck of a Kennedy.". LOVE.

5. Antenna - Fuse ODG
SHE DEY DO ME LIKE ANTENNA! I don't even know what that means. No one knows what it means, but it's provocative. It gets the people GOING. Correct. Similarly to Blurred Lines, this little diamond served me well as a party jam in 2013. I first heard it the day after I returned from Florida, and it was the perfect antidote to jet lag plus post-holiday sulking. Since then, I've gone cray to it at Curry&Dancing1 (I think? Or did I imagine it in some kind of amazing daydream?), when it was one of the handful of songs I actually knew at Moonlighting, in Sheffield, and at the Christmas party, as well as any public space where myself and the song have had an interaction, much to the consternation of eyewitnesses. Special mention to AFRICAN LADY (you know that you drive me crazy).

4. Bound 2 - Kanye West

From the first few bars (b-b-b-b-bound to fallin' in love), it's a winner. And when the UH-HUH HONEY drops, I've pretty much entered a trance. Bound 2 showcases the best of Yeezy; he's selected brilliant samples and written some sick rhymes**, kinda like the good old days, as well as throwing in a dash of his recent creative crayness for good measure. Yeezus isn't a great album (soz Uncle Kanye), but Bound 2 is certainly the best thing to emerge from it. I also have sweet memories of getting this in errbody's head in Sheffield!

 

3. Nirvana - Sam Smith
As heavenly as the title suggests, Nirvana is a deliciously smooth ode to euphoric love. The intricate guitar work and Smith's velvety vocals are incredibly reminiscent of Stevie Wonder and Jeff Beck collaborations in the early 70s, particularly Looking For Another Pure Love from Stevie's Talking Book (1972). Nirvana deserves far more attention than it has received to date; I sincerely hope that 2014 will be Smith's year, and it will be a retrospective hit.

2. Strong - London Grammar
My friend Anwar introduced me to London Grammar; the first time I heard Strong was while cruising in her motor, and I was hooked from the start. It's just so fucking good. Similarly to The XX and Frank Ocean, London Grammar's music taps into the emotional core of me. In this song, when galdem drops "I've never been so wrong" in that beautiful, haunting voice, Jeeesus; it's goosebumps for breakfast, lunch, and dindins. Strong makes me want to read Wuthering Heights and take moody photographs and write poetry. Potentially whilst wearing something in lace with wild curls and smoky eyes. If you haven't heard this song, listen immediately! It's genuinely awesome.

1. Royals - Lorde
Everything about Royals is exquisite; the disconnect between the complexity of the beat and the simplicity of its instruments, the clever and insightful lyrics, and Lorde's gorgeous, captivating vocals. Oh, and she was FIFTEEN when she wrote it. I could barely write my own name at that age. Royals would be a masterpiece of a debut at any age, but I can't get my head around something so good being created by someone so young. Brilliant.

Peace. Out.!

*That is the geekiest sass I have ever presented to the world. Proud day.
**Sorry, young folk. That was as painful for me as it was for you. One day you too will experience the potent shame of irrelevance. EMOJI CRYFACE.

Remembering Bruce.

Yesterday we received the devastating news that my uncle Bruce had passed away. It was completely unexpected; he was just 67 years old.

Bruce was genuinely one of the loveliest people in the world. He was gentle, kind, funny, clever, generous, a brilliant host, and a notoriously terrible singer. He had been living with Parkinson's for over a decade, and faced it with patience and quiet determination. I will forever admire his strength. He was amazing.

One of my most treasured memories is of visiting my Auntie and Uncle in Spain in the summer of 2001. We spent a week lounging in the pool, playing Scrabble, laughing, reminiscing, taking long lunches (we're talking hours here), and hanging out with JD the Dalmatian; it was a brilliant trip. I choke up when I think about the night Bruce, Dad, and JD all fell asleep outside while looking at the stars. On the rare occasion I get to witness the night sky glittering, I think of Bruce. And I always will.

The last time I saw him was just after Christmas last year. We took Coops out for a spin and had a lovely long chat. He cracked jokes, listened while I babbled on about my job, and told me his plans for the house in Spain; it was simply perfect. In hindsight, I wish I'd said more, asked more, spent a little longer with him, but I'm grateful for the time we did have.

Brucie baby, thank you for being the most wonderful uncle to me, and an incredible person to everyone, especially your family and close friends. We were all blessed to have known you, and will always cherish the amazing memories of you.

Peace x

The John Lewis Christmas Advert Factor.

Ho Ho Hello.

Speaking solely in terms of television advertising, my preference for marking the commencement of the festive season is the introduction of the John Lewis Christmas advert. I don't buy into all that 'holidays are coming' bullshit, yo. Fuck the Coca Cola corporation! John Lewis is a worker-owned partnership, which appeals to the burgeoning filthy red in me. It is also John Lewis, which I appreciate as both an educated middle-class twat, and a lover of haberdashery departments. Plus their adverts usually provide me with a legit excuse for a good cry. ¡NEWSFLASH! I love a good cry.

Not all JL Christmas adverts are created equal, however. Certainly, none of them will ever feature Slipknot as a soundtrack in my lifetime (although an acoustic version of People = Shit, sung by whichever doe-eyed twig is in vogue that year, would surely be delightful...*), nor is it likely that the plot will wander into anything more surreal or challenging than an episode of The Archers. Still, it is definitely possible to rank them. Using SCIENCE! And by science I mean simple addition. Shut up.

All entrants** will be judged on the following factors, each out of ten:

• Storyline
• Soundtrack
• Weep factor
• Adorable kid/animal factor

Giving a John Lewis Christmas Advert Factor (JLCAF), up to a maximum of 40 points.

2008

Synopsis: The first of a new era! The future! Spaceships! This advert matched a series of individuals with their perfect gift. Simple, cute, and to the point.
Storyline: Not much to it, in honesty. Person begat present. Present begat person. Rinse and repeat. 3/10
Soundtrack: A gorgeous cover of The Beatles' From Me To You. "If there's anything that you want..." A PONY? Or anything from the haberdashery section. Your call. 7/10
Weep factor: Fairly low. There is, however, strong potential for some cute overload tears. 4/10
Adorable kid/animal factor: The baby at the end! Sweet Xenu, what a cutie. And the dog has an excellent 'do going on. Does the mouse teddy at the end count? You bet your sweet ass it does! 8/10

JLCAF: 22/40

2009

Synopsis: A bunch of kids opening a bunch of age-inappropriate gifts. A coffee machine, por ejemplo? You're just asking for trouble. Oh hayl nah, what's this? Remember how Christmas used to feel? You little scoundrels, John Lewis!
Storyline: That twist?

Nice. 6/10
Soundtrack: A fairly average acoustic version of Sweet Child O' Mine. I was underwhelmed. What you gon' do Axl? 2/10
Weep factor: There's a pleasant fuzzy feel, but no tears. And that's coming from me. 1/10
Adorable kid/animal factor: It's all adorable kids! But I just can't get over that coffee machine. 7/10

JLCAF: 16/40

2010

Synopsis: Folks hiding and wrapping presents, essentially. A gaggle of Daily Mail readers lost their shit over the bit where a dog is living in an outside shelter (in fairness, it looked like a very agreeable detached residence, with fairy lights. Try living in halls of residence, you ignorant bastards). The tagline was a fairly disappointing 'For those who care about showing they care'. Okaaay. Cheers for the tautology. Can I smoke it?
Storyline: Not bad. The dog bit is actually rather cute. He has a fur coat on, for Jaysus sake! To paraphrase Biggie Smalls; get a grip, mofo. 5/10
Soundtrack: Ellie Goulding's piano-accompanied version of Your Song is very, very good. She's still a dick though. 9/10
Weep factor: The apex of the song drops just when the dog is getting his present. EMOSH. 7/10
Adorable kid/animal factor: The kid and the dog. You guys! 7/10

JLCAF: 28/40

2011

Synopsis: The most adorable freakin' child in the world is counting down the days until Christmas, because he wants his presents, right? OHHH. Hold down yo' weave, gurl; shit's about to get cray.  Christmas Eve rolls around; he's so excited he wolfs down his dinner and runs straight up to bed. Brush your teeth, you little shit. Anyway, on Christmas morning he strides past his own presents and the reason why he was so hyped is revealed: he actually just wanted to give his parents a gift. SQUEEEE.

Storyline: The best of the lot. It has a twist that makes M. Night Shyamalan seethe with envy, for crying out loud. 10/10

Soundtrack: I love a bit of The Smiths, and this version of Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want is lully. Also very pertinent to the story. 7/10

Weep factor: High. Just thinking about it is making me well up. When he holds out the gift with that little face...I can't even. 10/10

Adorable kid/animal factor: As above. Plus the little brother in the Gruffalo outfit! 10/10

JLCAF: 37/40

2012

Synopsis: Cute snowman goes on an adventure across snow-covered land and stream, to what I sincerely hope is a branch of John Lewis, in order to purchase some winter accessories for his snowlady. She's bereft in his absence, but it's all resolved by the end, when they hold twig-hands. We are encouraged to 'Give a little more love this Christmas'. As long as it is not purchased from Debenhams (subliminal).
Storyline: Pretty good, although repeated views may result in insulin resistance. 6/10
Soundtrack: Gabrielle Aplin's version of The Power of Love, which quite brilliantly manages to be even more haunting than the Frankie Goes To Hollywood original. It's a jarring contrast to the sweetness of the plot. Brill. 9/10
Weep factor: Quite high, if a little forced. The music helps. 7/10
Adorable kid/animal factor: Do snowpeople count as animals? Have I insulted and degraded them with that statement? I don't know how to approach this. Let's go with a provisional yes. 5/10

JLCAF: 27/40

2013

Synopsis: #Bearandhare (still not sure about this dictated hashtag nonsense) are best buds in a snowy forest, where the other animal residents are decorating their Christmas tree. #Bear yawns and saunters off, leaving #hare all sad and whatnot. Days and nights pass, during which #bear seems to be sleeping off an especially heavy rave. #Hare rocks up to #bear's crib and drops off a present. Christmas morning rolls around, and the other animals are totally rubbing it in #hare's droopy-eared face with all their happiness and shit. The bastards. WHEN SUDDENLY! #Bear arrives at the Christmas tree, to the boundless joy of #hare. And what was that present, I hear none of you ask? It was an alarm clock. An alarm clock for sleepy #bear. Aww. 'Give someone a Christmas they'll never forget', implores John Lewis. I will! And the animation is truly gorgeous.
Storyline: Deep, relevant, good twist. 8/10
Soundtrack: Lily AllenCooperWhatever's cover of Keane's Somewhere Only We Know. Annoying singer + annoying song combine to create something unexpectedly good. 7/10
Weep factor: High. #Hare's sadface is heartbreaking. 7/10
Adorable kid/animal factor: Those animals are just the frickin' cutest! 10/10

JLCAF: 32/40

SO. That's your lot! The league of JLCAF is presented thusly:

1. 2011 (37/40)
2. 2013 (32/40)
3. 2010 (28/40)
4. 2012 (27/40)
5. 2008 (22/40)
6. 2009 (16/40)

Peace x

* Santaaaaaa! One more time, motherfucker. As performed by Ellie Goulding.

** 2008 - 2013 inclusive. 2008 was the first year of the acoustic pop song / emotional sleigh-ride paradigm.