Yesterday we received the devastating news that my uncle Bruce had passed away. It was completely unexpected; he was just 67 years old.
Bruce was genuinely one of the loveliest people in the world. He was gentle, kind, funny, clever, generous, a brilliant host, and a notoriously terrible singer. He had been living with Parkinson's for over a decade, and faced it with patience and quiet determination. I will forever admire his strength. He was amazing.
One of my most treasured memories is of visiting my Auntie and Uncle in Spain in the summer of 2001. We spent a week lounging in the pool, playing Scrabble, laughing, reminiscing, taking long lunches (we're talking hours here), and hanging out with JD the Dalmatian; it was a brilliant trip. I choke up when I think about the night Bruce, Dad, and JD all fell asleep outside while looking at the stars. On the rare occasion I get to witness the night sky glittering, I think of Bruce. And I always will.
The last time I saw him was just after Christmas last year. We took Coops out for a spin and had a lovely long chat. He cracked jokes, listened while I babbled on about my job, and told me his plans for the house in Spain; it was simply perfect. In hindsight, I wish I'd said more, asked more, spent a little longer with him, but I'm grateful for the time we did have.
Brucie baby, thank you for being the most wonderful uncle to me, and an incredible person to everyone, especially your family and close friends. We were all blessed to have known you, and will always cherish the amazing memories of you.
Speaking solely in terms of television advertising, my preference for marking the commencement of the festive season is the introduction of the John Lewis Christmas advert. I don't buy into all that 'holidays are coming' bullshit, yo. Fuck the Coca Cola corporation! John Lewis is a worker-owned partnership, which appeals to the burgeoning filthy red in me. It is also John Lewis, which I appreciate as both an educated middle-class twat, and a lover of haberdashery departments. Plus their adverts usually provide me with a legit excuse for a good cry. ¡NEWSFLASH! I love a good cry.
Not all JL Christmas adverts are created equal, however. Certainly, none of them will ever feature Slipknot as a soundtrack in my lifetime (although an acoustic version of People = Shit, sung by whichever doe-eyed twig is in vogue that year, would surely be delightful...*), nor is it likely that the plot will wander into anything more surreal or challenging than an episode of The Archers. Still, it is definitely possible to rank them. Using SCIENCE! And by science I mean simple addition. Shut up.
All entrants** will be judged on the following factors, each out of ten:
Storyline
Soundtrack
Weep factor
Adorable kid/animal factor
Giving a John Lewis Christmas Advert Factor (JLCAF), up to a maximum of 40 points.
2008
Synopsis: The first of a new era! The future! Spaceships! This advert matched a series of individuals with their perfect gift. Simple, cute, and to the point. Storyline: Not much to it, in honesty. Person begat present. Present begat person. Rinse and repeat. 3/10 Soundtrack: A gorgeous cover of The Beatles' From Me To You. "If there's anything that you want..." A PONY? Or anything from the haberdashery section. Your call. 7/10 Weep factor: Fairly low. There is, however, strong potential for some cute overload tears. 4/10 Adorable kid/animal factor: The baby at the end! Sweet Xenu, what a cutie. And the dog has an excellent 'do going on. Does the mouse teddy at the end count? You bet your sweet ass it does! 8/10
JLCAF: 22/40
2009
Synopsis: A bunch of kids opening a bunch of age-inappropriate gifts. A coffee machine, por ejemplo? You're just asking for trouble. Oh hayl nah, what's this? Remember how Christmas used to feel? You little scoundrels, John Lewis!
Storyline: That twist?
Nice. 6/10
Soundtrack: A fairly average acoustic version of Sweet Child O' Mine. I was underwhelmed. What you gon' do Axl? 2/10
Weep factor: There's a pleasant fuzzy feel, but no tears. And that's coming from me. 1/10
Adorable kid/animal factor: It's all adorable kids! But I just can't get over that coffee machine. 7/10
JLCAF: 16/40
2010
Synopsis: Folks hiding and wrapping presents, essentially. A gaggle of Daily Mail readers lost their shit over the bit where a dog is living in an outside shelter (in fairness, it looked like a very agreeable detached residence, with fairy lights. Try living in halls of residence, you ignorant bastards). The tagline was a fairly disappointing 'For those who care about showing they care'. Okaaay. Cheers for the tautology. Can I smoke it?
Storyline: Not bad. The dog bit is actually rather cute. He has a fur coat on, for Jaysus sake! To paraphrase Biggie Smalls; get a grip, mofo. 5/10
Soundtrack: Ellie Goulding's piano-accompanied version of Your Song is very, very good. She's still a dick though. 9/10
Weep factor: The apex of the song drops just when the dog is getting his present. EMOSH. 7/10
Adorable kid/animal factor: The kid and the dog. You guys! 7/10
JLCAF: 28/40
2011
Synopsis: The most adorable freakin' child in the world is counting down the days until Christmas, because he wants his presents, right? OHHH. Hold down yo' weave, gurl; shit's about to get cray. Christmas Eve rolls around; he's so excited he wolfs down his dinner and runs straight up to bed. Brush your teeth, you little shit. Anyway, on Christmas morning he strides past his own presents and the reason why he was so hyped is revealed: he actually just wanted to give his parents a gift. SQUEEEE.
Storyline: The best of the lot. It has a twist that makes M. Night Shyamalan seethe with envy, for crying out loud. 10/10
Soundtrack: I love a bit of The Smiths, and this version of Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want is lully. Also very pertinent to the story. 7/10
Weep factor: High. Just thinking about it is making me well up. When he holds out the gift with that little face...I can't even. 10/10
Adorable kid/animal factor: As above. Plus the little brother in the Gruffalo outfit! 10/10
JLCAF: 37/40
2012
Synopsis: Cute snowman goes on an adventure across snow-covered land and stream, to what I sincerely hope is a branch of John Lewis, in order to purchase some winter accessories for his snowlady. She's bereft in his absence, but it's all resolved by the end, when they hold twig-hands. We are encouraged to 'Give a little more love this Christmas'. As long as it is not purchased from Debenhams (subliminal).
Storyline: Pretty good, although repeated views may result in insulin resistance. 6/10
Soundtrack: Gabrielle Aplin's version of The Power of Love, which quite brilliantly manages to be even more haunting than the Frankie Goes To Hollywood original. It's a jarring contrast to the sweetness of the plot. Brill. 9/10
Weep factor: Quite high, if a little forced. The music helps. 7/10
Adorable kid/animal factor: Do snowpeople count as animals? Have I insulted and degraded them with that statement? I don't know how to approach this. Let's go with a provisional yes. 5/10
JLCAF: 27/40
2013
Synopsis: #Bearandhare (still not sure about this dictated hashtag nonsense) are best buds in a snowy forest, where the other animal residents are decorating their Christmas tree. #Bear yawns and saunters off, leaving #hare all sad and whatnot. Days and nights pass, during which #bear seems to be sleeping off an especially heavy rave. #Hare rocks up to #bear's crib and drops off a present. Christmas morning rolls around, and the other animals are totally rubbing it in #hare's droopy-eared face with all their happiness and shit. The bastards. WHEN SUDDENLY! #Bear arrives at the Christmas tree, to the boundless joy of #hare. And what was that present, I hear none of you ask? It was an alarm clock. An alarm clock for sleepy #bear. Aww. 'Give someone a Christmas they'll never forget', implores John Lewis. I will! And the animation is truly gorgeous.
Storyline: Deep, relevant, good twist. 8/10
Soundtrack: Lily AllenCooperWhatever's cover of Keane's Somewhere Only We Know. Annoying singer + annoying song combine to create something unexpectedly good. 7/10
Weep factor: High. #Hare's sadface is heartbreaking. 7/10
Adorable kid/animal factor: Those animals are just the frickin' cutest! 10/10
JLCAF: 32/40
SO. That's your lot! The league of JLCAF is presented thusly:
