13 for 13: music

Hello readership! I've finally got around to producing the end-of-year music review I've been trying to write since the idea of '10 for 10' popped into my head three years ago. I wanted to give Barbra Streisand the glory it rightly deserved, but instead I was distracted by sales and Bank Holiday television and probably shoes. FOR LIKE THREE WHOLE YEARS. Anyway, this year I've done it! 13 tracks that have been memorable in 2013. Enjoy!

13. Pusher Love Girl - Justin Timberlake
Acting somewhat as a thematic successor to Ke$ha's Your Love Is My Drug (which contains one of the finest lyrics ever to feature in popular music; "I like your beard"), JT waxed lyrical about the intoxicating effect of love. Pusher Love Girl is split in two parts; the first is all polished R&B, swirly strings, and gorgeous vocals. The second half is a bit grittier; not quite as challenging as Ten Crack Commandments, but perhaps at the level of drug-related realness reached by EastEnders when Phil was on crack. Aww, remember CrackPhil? He was a good laugh! Anyway, the second part is basically a list of various narcotics interspersed with "I'm just a juh-juh-juh-juh-junkie for your love.". Ironically I did become quite hooked on this song! And meth...

12. Get Lucky - Daft Punk
I won't front, I was initially underwhelmed. I didn't get the collective jizz over this jazz. However, it grew on me, and once the 'OMG THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER RECORDED' hysteria died down, there was adequate breathing space to appreciate Get Lucky for what it is; beautifully crafted, nostalgic, and fun.

11. White Noise - Disclosure
In the context of spring anthems, this was the Robin to Need U (100%)'s Batman (see no.7). Quite the formidable team. I actually heard both on the same day, while having a gander at the Majestic Casual YouTube playlist. It was a fucking insanely good day for music. The opening bars of White Noise transport me directly to Clearwater Beach in May, when my only concerns in life were deciding where to go for dinner and maybe applying a bit more sun cream. A banging tune forever linked with brilliant memories.

10. Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke feat. T.I. and Pharrell
I know what some of you may be thinking; feminism and Blurred Lines don't mix, you massive hypocrite. However, unless the Cronbach's alpha value of your whole life is >0.9, let's not get on a consistency hype, yeah?* Anyway, chronic and unforgivable hypocrisy aside, this has been my dancing jam since the summer. It's a rehash of Marvin Gaye's Got To Give It Up (one of my all-time favourites) for sure, and let's be real; Pharrell contributes nothing aside from 'hey hey hey' and 'errbody get up', but it's probably OK because Get Lucky also happened. You're doing alright, Williams. I'm not sure what the purpose of T.I. is either, other than a slightly awkward interlude where nobody knows the lyrics and we're just strutting about on the dance floor waiting for another "good giiirrrlll' bit (212 would be a worthy transplant into his section - someone make that happen!). Yes, I've struggled to come to terms with the message in this song. However, if I've managed to reach a stage where I'm at peace with other people enjoying the work of Pitbull, the universe can forgive me for throwing shapes to this.

9. When I Was Your Man - Bruno Mars
Pass me the mofo-ing tissues, comrade. This gorgeous little tune is perfect for the aftermath of bad decisions; the sort of decisions that bring about a desire to kick oneself in the face. The release of this song coincided with a bit of a face-kicky interlude in my life, and I spent many a tearful ride in Coops singing (murdering) it. This song also calmed me down while I was driving over the fucking Sunshine Skyway bridge in Florida earlier in the year (thanks, Bruno!). The lyrics are lovely, the tune is beautiful, and there's sincere emotion in every line. 

8. Don't Save Me / The Wire - Haim
Oh, Haim. Wonderful Haim. Sometimes I really wish I was a Haim, or at least that I had two sisters with whom I could make a band called West, and we'd have lovely long hair and impeccable dress sense. Alas, that is but a pipe dream. However, we do have the real Haim, and I love them. Don't Save Me snuck in at the tail end of 2012 (so I'm counting it in 2013; what you gon' do?), and carried me through a brilliant winter in which I really hit my stride recovery-wise. The Wire was a continuation of that; on tricky days I blasted it out of Coops and briefly became a Haim to join in with 'I just know I know I know I know that you're gonna be OK anyway'. Power music!

7. Need U (100%) - Duke Dumont feat. A*M*E
The first time I heard this became number one of about a hundred plays that day. It's infectiously catchy, like rabies or something. Is rabies catchy? So like, this would be the rabid dog of 90s-inspired throwback house tunes, and I will play the unwitting tourist in unfamiliar lands, metaphorically foaming at the mouth as the glorious music engulfs my major organs. Yeah. Meanwhile, back in the real world, this was my spring anthem, and brings back wonderful memories of getting on a hype about my then upcoming trip to Florida. Lovely.

6. Diane Young - Vampire Weekend
YES EZRA! YEZRA! The return of one of my favourite bands was a glorious affair indeed. Diane Young is fast and silly and a witty and wonderful and contains the lyric "Irish and proud, baby, naturally. But you've got the luck of a Kennedy.". LOVE.

5. Antenna - Fuse ODG
SHE DEY DO ME LIKE ANTENNA! I don't even know what that means. No one knows what it means, but it's provocative. It gets the people GOING. Correct. Similarly to Blurred Lines, this little diamond served me well as a party jam in 2013. I first heard it the day after I returned from Florida, and it was the perfect antidote to jet lag plus post-holiday sulking. Since then, I've gone cray to it at Curry&Dancing1 (I think? Or did I imagine it in some kind of amazing daydream?), when it was one of the handful of songs I actually knew at Moonlighting, in Sheffield, and at the Christmas party, as well as any public space where myself and the song have had an interaction, much to the consternation of eyewitnesses. Special mention to AFRICAN LADY (you know that you drive me crazy).

4. Bound 2 - Kanye West

From the first few bars (b-b-b-b-bound to fallin' in love), it's a winner. And when the UH-HUH HONEY drops, I've pretty much entered a trance. Bound 2 showcases the best of Yeezy; he's selected brilliant samples and written some sick rhymes**, kinda like the good old days, as well as throwing in a dash of his recent creative crayness for good measure. Yeezus isn't a great album (soz Uncle Kanye), but Bound 2 is certainly the best thing to emerge from it. I also have sweet memories of getting this in errbody's head in Sheffield!

 

3. Nirvana - Sam Smith
As heavenly as the title suggests, Nirvana is a deliciously smooth ode to euphoric love. The intricate guitar work and Smith's velvety vocals are incredibly reminiscent of Stevie Wonder and Jeff Beck collaborations in the early 70s, particularly Looking For Another Pure Love from Stevie's Talking Book (1972). Nirvana deserves far more attention than it has received to date; I sincerely hope that 2014 will be Smith's year, and it will be a retrospective hit.

2. Strong - London Grammar
My friend Anwar introduced me to London Grammar; the first time I heard Strong was while cruising in her motor, and I was hooked from the start. It's just so fucking good. Similarly to The XX and Frank Ocean, London Grammar's music taps into the emotional core of me. In this song, when galdem drops "I've never been so wrong" in that beautiful, haunting voice, Jeeesus; it's goosebumps for breakfast, lunch, and dindins. Strong makes me want to read Wuthering Heights and take moody photographs and write poetry. Potentially whilst wearing something in lace with wild curls and smoky eyes. If you haven't heard this song, listen immediately! It's genuinely awesome.

1. Royals - Lorde
Everything about Royals is exquisite; the disconnect between the complexity of the beat and the simplicity of its instruments, the clever and insightful lyrics, and Lorde's gorgeous, captivating vocals. Oh, and she was FIFTEEN when she wrote it. I could barely write my own name at that age. Royals would be a masterpiece of a debut at any age, but I can't get my head around something so good being created by someone so young. Brilliant.

Peace. Out.!

*That is the geekiest sass I have ever presented to the world. Proud day.
**Sorry, young folk. That was as painful for me as it was for you. One day you too will experience the potent shame of irrelevance. EMOJI CRYFACE.

Remembering Bruce.

Yesterday we received the devastating news that my uncle Bruce had passed away. It was completely unexpected; he was just 67 years old.

Bruce was genuinely one of the loveliest people in the world. He was gentle, kind, funny, clever, generous, a brilliant host, and a notoriously terrible singer. He had been living with Parkinson's for over a decade, and faced it with patience and quiet determination. I will forever admire his strength. He was amazing.

One of my most treasured memories is of visiting my Auntie and Uncle in Spain in the summer of 2001. We spent a week lounging in the pool, playing Scrabble, laughing, reminiscing, taking long lunches (we're talking hours here), and hanging out with JD the Dalmatian; it was a brilliant trip. I choke up when I think about the night Bruce, Dad, and JD all fell asleep outside while looking at the stars. On the rare occasion I get to witness the night sky glittering, I think of Bruce. And I always will.

The last time I saw him was just after Christmas last year. We took Coops out for a spin and had a lovely long chat. He cracked jokes, listened while I babbled on about my job, and told me his plans for the house in Spain; it was simply perfect. In hindsight, I wish I'd said more, asked more, spent a little longer with him, but I'm grateful for the time we did have.

Brucie baby, thank you for being the most wonderful uncle to me, and an incredible person to everyone, especially your family and close friends. We were all blessed to have known you, and will always cherish the amazing memories of you.

Peace x

The John Lewis Christmas Advert Factor.

Ho Ho Hello.

Speaking solely in terms of television advertising, my preference for marking the commencement of the festive season is the introduction of the John Lewis Christmas advert. I don't buy into all that 'holidays are coming' bullshit, yo. Fuck the Coca Cola corporation! John Lewis is a worker-owned partnership, which appeals to the burgeoning filthy red in me. It is also John Lewis, which I appreciate as both an educated middle-class twat, and a lover of haberdashery departments. Plus their adverts usually provide me with a legit excuse for a good cry. ¡NEWSFLASH! I love a good cry.

Not all JL Christmas adverts are created equal, however. Certainly, none of them will ever feature Slipknot as a soundtrack in my lifetime (although an acoustic version of People = Shit, sung by whichever doe-eyed twig is in vogue that year, would surely be delightful...*), nor is it likely that the plot will wander into anything more surreal or challenging than an episode of The Archers. Still, it is definitely possible to rank them. Using SCIENCE! And by science I mean simple addition. Shut up.

All entrants** will be judged on the following factors, each out of ten:

• Storyline
• Soundtrack
• Weep factor
• Adorable kid/animal factor

Giving a John Lewis Christmas Advert Factor (JLCAF), up to a maximum of 40 points.

2008

Synopsis: The first of a new era! The future! Spaceships! This advert matched a series of individuals with their perfect gift. Simple, cute, and to the point.
Storyline: Not much to it, in honesty. Person begat present. Present begat person. Rinse and repeat. 3/10
Soundtrack: A gorgeous cover of The Beatles' From Me To You. "If there's anything that you want..." A PONY? Or anything from the haberdashery section. Your call. 7/10
Weep factor: Fairly low. There is, however, strong potential for some cute overload tears. 4/10
Adorable kid/animal factor: The baby at the end! Sweet Xenu, what a cutie. And the dog has an excellent 'do going on. Does the mouse teddy at the end count? You bet your sweet ass it does! 8/10

JLCAF: 22/40

2009

Synopsis: A bunch of kids opening a bunch of age-inappropriate gifts. A coffee machine, por ejemplo? You're just asking for trouble. Oh hayl nah, what's this? Remember how Christmas used to feel? You little scoundrels, John Lewis!
Storyline: That twist?

Nice. 6/10
Soundtrack: A fairly average acoustic version of Sweet Child O' Mine. I was underwhelmed. What you gon' do Axl? 2/10
Weep factor: There's a pleasant fuzzy feel, but no tears. And that's coming from me. 1/10
Adorable kid/animal factor: It's all adorable kids! But I just can't get over that coffee machine. 7/10

JLCAF: 16/40

2010

Synopsis: Folks hiding and wrapping presents, essentially. A gaggle of Daily Mail readers lost their shit over the bit where a dog is living in an outside shelter (in fairness, it looked like a very agreeable detached residence, with fairy lights. Try living in halls of residence, you ignorant bastards). The tagline was a fairly disappointing 'For those who care about showing they care'. Okaaay. Cheers for the tautology. Can I smoke it?
Storyline: Not bad. The dog bit is actually rather cute. He has a fur coat on, for Jaysus sake! To paraphrase Biggie Smalls; get a grip, mofo. 5/10
Soundtrack: Ellie Goulding's piano-accompanied version of Your Song is very, very good. She's still a dick though. 9/10
Weep factor: The apex of the song drops just when the dog is getting his present. EMOSH. 7/10
Adorable kid/animal factor: The kid and the dog. You guys! 7/10

JLCAF: 28/40

2011

Synopsis: The most adorable freakin' child in the world is counting down the days until Christmas, because he wants his presents, right? OHHH. Hold down yo' weave, gurl; shit's about to get cray.  Christmas Eve rolls around; he's so excited he wolfs down his dinner and runs straight up to bed. Brush your teeth, you little shit. Anyway, on Christmas morning he strides past his own presents and the reason why he was so hyped is revealed: he actually just wanted to give his parents a gift. SQUEEEE.

Storyline: The best of the lot. It has a twist that makes M. Night Shyamalan seethe with envy, for crying out loud. 10/10

Soundtrack: I love a bit of The Smiths, and this version of Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want is lully. Also very pertinent to the story. 7/10

Weep factor: High. Just thinking about it is making me well up. When he holds out the gift with that little face...I can't even. 10/10

Adorable kid/animal factor: As above. Plus the little brother in the Gruffalo outfit! 10/10

JLCAF: 37/40

2012

Synopsis: Cute snowman goes on an adventure across snow-covered land and stream, to what I sincerely hope is a branch of John Lewis, in order to purchase some winter accessories for his snowlady. She's bereft in his absence, but it's all resolved by the end, when they hold twig-hands. We are encouraged to 'Give a little more love this Christmas'. As long as it is not purchased from Debenhams (subliminal).
Storyline: Pretty good, although repeated views may result in insulin resistance. 6/10
Soundtrack: Gabrielle Aplin's version of The Power of Love, which quite brilliantly manages to be even more haunting than the Frankie Goes To Hollywood original. It's a jarring contrast to the sweetness of the plot. Brill. 9/10
Weep factor: Quite high, if a little forced. The music helps. 7/10
Adorable kid/animal factor: Do snowpeople count as animals? Have I insulted and degraded them with that statement? I don't know how to approach this. Let's go with a provisional yes. 5/10

JLCAF: 27/40

2013

Synopsis: #Bearandhare (still not sure about this dictated hashtag nonsense) are best buds in a snowy forest, where the other animal residents are decorating their Christmas tree. #Bear yawns and saunters off, leaving #hare all sad and whatnot. Days and nights pass, during which #bear seems to be sleeping off an especially heavy rave. #Hare rocks up to #bear's crib and drops off a present. Christmas morning rolls around, and the other animals are totally rubbing it in #hare's droopy-eared face with all their happiness and shit. The bastards. WHEN SUDDENLY! #Bear arrives at the Christmas tree, to the boundless joy of #hare. And what was that present, I hear none of you ask? It was an alarm clock. An alarm clock for sleepy #bear. Aww. 'Give someone a Christmas they'll never forget', implores John Lewis. I will! And the animation is truly gorgeous.
Storyline: Deep, relevant, good twist. 8/10
Soundtrack: Lily AllenCooperWhatever's cover of Keane's Somewhere Only We Know. Annoying singer + annoying song combine to create something unexpectedly good. 7/10
Weep factor: High. #Hare's sadface is heartbreaking. 7/10
Adorable kid/animal factor: Those animals are just the frickin' cutest! 10/10

JLCAF: 32/40

SO. That's your lot! The league of JLCAF is presented thusly:

1. 2011 (37/40)
2. 2013 (32/40)
3. 2010 (28/40)
4. 2012 (27/40)
5. 2008 (22/40)
6. 2009 (16/40)

Peace x

* Santaaaaaa! One more time, motherfucker. As performed by Ellie Goulding.

** 2008 - 2013 inclusive. 2008 was the first year of the acoustic pop song / emotional sleigh-ride paradigm.